| Women |
[Nov. 15th, 2007|11:53 pm] |
I am going to take this post and bitch about women:
I fucking hate women. What do I mean? I mean I am sick of wanting women. Either lusting or loving or whatever after women I am sick of it. I need a women in my life I feel. Is this wrong? I want and long for actual, mature companionship, not illegitmated B.S some chicks throw at me. Is that so much to ask? Is that so hard? I have been frustrated for a very long time and it has been a good 2 years since I have had a girl friend. I am kind of sick of feeling alone. I am kind of sick of being rejected. I am kind of sick of feeling like the special child around a bunch of pricks.
....oh well..
that is my psuedo-rant.
any thouhgts? |
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| what happens.. |
[Oct. 27th, 2007|05:40 pm] |
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...when you want to give it all up? |
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| Conflicted |
[Oct. 15th, 2007|09:14 am] |
Well, this is rather interesting. In the wake of my old instructors hypocracy of unreasonably kicking his former top students out this has come about: http://www.experienceenso.com/index.php
Now I am not really sure how to feel about this. It feels like a bodyworks 2, only with ALOT more yuppy commericialism. I really don't mind advertising as long as its not done in excess and there isn't a whole section of a school dedicated to making a profit. 'Budokon' I really feel my friends were seduced into by the easy accessability of the 'product.' The philosophy of this 'style' seems to be mass marketing through confusion tactics. Sell people DVDs,books, membership, ect and put the work enlightment or breath stretch behind everything to justify it.
Now I promised my old friends that'd I'd support their efforts in opening a school, but it seems what they opened was just another institute of buy and sell believes and practise. Maybe I am an idealist, however I feel if your going to open a school for martial arts you should not be trying to sell a bunch of different 'life health products' and have a lounging area where people can have there starbucks and relax. This to me is 1. cheapening the school you are building by allowing fashions of the day to effect your operation 2. taking the seriousness of the practise OUT of the dojo.
I do want to support my old friends, however with there turn towards this :http://www.budokon.com/index.php
I am really not thrilled by what they are doing. Perhaps I was dreaming when I thought they wanted to learn real Ryukyu Kempo..oh well..dreaming isn't a bad thing, right? |
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| ......I |
[Oct. 13th, 2007|02:57 am] |
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suck |
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| Sleep deprivation |
[Oct. 5th, 2007|10:14 am] |
...is good for the soul..
so is talking to a sage |
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| what do you do.. |
[Oct. 4th, 2007|06:27 pm] |
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..when you hate yourself enough to think that waking up the next morning really isn't worth it? |
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| ALRIGHT! |
[Oct. 4th, 2007|10:12 am] |
DREAMS DO NOT NEED TO BE THAT FUCKING SCARY!
.....although it did reflect how I was feeling and did show some insite into how others feel...perhaps I will be betrayed..
....then again..betrayal did lead to man being saved...algedly..
wonder if I die it will make anything better..
hmm
oh well
continious self mutilation through academic struggle.. |
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| Confused.. |
[Sep. 27th, 2007|10:19 am] |
at least thats what she said...
Anyway.. I really don't get it. why the hell do I feel this way? Why the hell am a plagued with the perpetual regression into depression when I feel the need to actually do something. Am I that pathetic? Am I going to continusly go on with this inward monologue of self hate. Should I not love myself? Is that selfish? Should I want happiness? Is Socrates right in saying that happiness is in the divine and the divine would be God, not in abstract form? Or is the abstract true and this idea of one God who cares just an illusion? Why the hell do I let this happen? Am I just letting this happen? Should I not be able to control these emotions? Am I that dead? Or am I that stoic? Why the hell does none this work?
I am failing as a student in everything. When am I going to stop this and pick up the ball? Is it worht it to pick it up? Why do I feel like I am alienated from this big college social party? Or is that the real illusion? Why do I always feel this way no matter where I am? When I was stuck in the closet I wanted to be closer to people, I am here and I want to be farther away from people? When I was in Missouri it didn't happen to be that way. Or Canada. Or Michigan. Or Jersy.. I would much rather be there then here where all the bagage of my old love, old friends, and old life. Why can't I get rid of it all? Why can't I motivate myself to do whats right..instead of sitting here and wallowing... |
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| I have concluded |
[Sep. 26th, 2007|11:06 pm] |
...that I suck
I mean I really do suck. Hard in lots of ways.
1:Being a student (University)
2:Being a teacher (Karate-do)
3: Being a student (Karate-do)
4: Being a friend (everyone)
5: Doing any productive (school work/karatedo/ life in general)
6: Having a rationale for more then an hour
...and why?
Because I really suck at this thing called life.
Perhaps it might be time to change that situation.. |
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| ..I really miss |
[Sep. 4th, 2007|11:35 pm] |
..waking up near a circle
...the smell of dog hair on my bed
...the sound of a tea kettle
...walking around knowing everyone
...the people I grew up with
...the people I feel in love with
...the places I use to call home
... the ability to call these places home
..the truth in friends statements
...diversity and puralism despite bias
..being able to call you up and find you
...being able to find anyone
...and being able to walk home..without a care |
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| Under construction |
[Aug. 27th, 2007|11:23 am] |
Well I moved in recently into the still under construction dorm: Eagle Hall. Rather interesting people are thinking this is an improvement. The rooms are very spacious, the freshmen got bigger dorms then the one I am currently in down the hall. It feels although Eastern is really trying to spoil the freshmen or at least really buy the new comers as if they had something to lose. That and the new RD whos name I won't even attempt at typing seems like the typical 'God will be with you always..now get out' which is basically what happened a few nights ago. I am amazed that a place that aspouses helping the poor, redeeming the hopeless and reconstructing the world socially, economically, and spiritually can't bend one rule to help a student who says they have no where else to go but the back of their car. Not one more thing to chack up, but it isn't helping my view of the school.
As for the summer..it has been one roller coaster ride after another. After living in a closet for two months and working just to keep said closet I opted to spending some quality time with my father. I traveled to New York and helped him with this new house which he spent way to much money to buy for way to little a return. He claims that the women he is with is worth, but he profession, her demenor, her retoric, her presense does not convince me. I do not mean to be judgemental, rather to think that such a drastic action is very unwise on his part. The real frustrating part was that thoughts of my mother kept coming to me. After seeing old pictures of my mom and dad together, when they were young filled me with alot of pain. Maybe its foolish romantic idea I have of that at one point actually working, but that whole time I was thinking of my mother.
SO after a long night of beating on myself about my situation I opted to get out of the closet (quite literally) and coach surf in different places for a while. I spent about a month wandering around with different friends, in different places, in different countries. It was fun. My huge question of faith was answered when I unknowingly went to a sermon by Kenneth Copeland. Although myself and my roommate were countering his every point, I found myself actually having more faith..or some semblance of faith in God,Christ, and the ideas I once worshipped as something I could not attain seemed....so utterly attainable. I am not that far gone to be damned yet, and like hell will I accept that the people I saw are at my level of down.
Mulling over this and psyco-drama with friends I returned to Eastern. I spent one night in the back of my car and finally moved in. Helped freshmen move in a few days ago. Now I am finally getting use to being on campus again, which stranger, actually living on campus..I actually do miss pennswood...
Oh well, such is life |
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| well well |
[Jul. 5th, 2007|06:45 pm] |
It has been a while since I had been on here..or at least had been on here.
What updates are there to speak of:
Finally got out of Pennswood and very painfully watched it taken away.
Moved in with oldd friend..foundd it had been a bit of a mistake.
Went to Arizona, again. Saw my little cousin graduate from high school, hung out with the family for awhile pretty much uneventfully.
Came home and worked my ass off to keep the house from falling apart because of two troubled children.
Petra-san comes down from NH
Odd things happen between us.
Myself, her and Richard-san get in my car a head for Oakgrove,Missouri and participated in this event: http://www.ryukenkan.org.nz/summer_camp.htm
and witnessed this:http://www.ryukenkan.org.nz/kaichos_promotion.htm
Should probably chronicl it at some point. ...was kind of important.
Got back..more odd things happen between me and Petra-san..conclude that wrong time for anything.
Go back to the house..keep on keeping it from falling apart.
Try to get use to being in a town I should no longer live in.
See old friends and get dejected by former sensei
Dejection just makes me train harder and highlight the responsibility I have.
Visit other dejected people; support each other in endevours to promote martial arts/alternative exercise properly with out prejuidice towards others.
Get drunk..sometimes
Walk around college not knowing what to do when plans go to hell.
Attempting to fight politics between people
Go to Maryland, visit roommates nerdy best friend and best friends shy Fiancé.
See Transformers:Awesomeness
Car dies, gets jacked
Get back by three
Try to convince minor to go to Wawa with me
Fails terribly
Sleeps
Wakes up and tries to chop down treee..
I think I shouldd be a little more specific..oh well
If anyone is still tuning in..let me know how you are..
I am back where I normally am..living with people..yet lonely |
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| it never ends.. |
[May. 13th, 2007|09:53 pm] |
I kind of realized something tonight..
Maybe its the desire to do something..
Maybe its the fact that I have been beaten down alot over the coarse of the last year..
Maybe its the fact I have lost faith and am slowly gaining it back..
Maybe its the whole 'I am not going to be in this culture we claim to be a better alternative to the rest of the world'..
Perhaps it is the lack of intoxicating substances that would other wise cause me to be very sentimental or sypathetic..
Perhpas I am that way with out said substances..
Perhaps its due to the situations that I have stumbled, muttered, wandered and puttered into in the last few years..
Maybe its tha fact I liked gaint robots to much when I was a kid..
....maybe its due to the fact I saw a good idea go up in smoke and go completely the opposite direction hurting those it was trying to help..
perhpas it was cause I jumped on a wagon that I didn't know exactly who the drivers were..
Maybe its the large portions of time I have spent brooding and philosophising over these broodings...
...perhaps its the fact I am not in a certain group of people who I used to think I should have been apart...
...whatever the case...I have come to this conclusion: it never ends..
this fight,this struggle, this need, this want, this thing inside of me that doesn't want to stop for no ones cause never ends..
....perhaps it suppose to look like this said the angel |
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| a long idea |
[May. 2nd, 2007|12:20 am] |
..I look for an end
..to this plague crouching in the dark
..scurring about
where it can find its home in emptiness
a place to be filled with radiance..
where the joyful act should be play..
instead a dreaded motion is dismayed
strung together with terrible nights
and endless moons of forsight..
starring onward it crosses to greet me
knowing I will not go. |
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| Reflections |
[Apr. 28th, 2007|09:36 pm] |
Well, last weekend I went out to the great state of Arizona to visit with people from my martial arts organization: ryubeikan.org. Quaility training, Quality people.
I was Kaicho's 'room mate' on an inflateable matress getting a few hours of sleep. PA to Arizona is a bitch with Jetlag, but it was worth it. Kaicho and I hung out friday morning. He made a a few good points to me.
1. People don't know everything in martial arts: He asked me my name. I said "Jonathan " Then he asked what leter does your name begin with. I said "J" and he asked where did that leter derive from...I tried to give him the northern European thing, but he told me I was wrong. He gave me that example to explain that at Black Belt, you start learning after that.
2. Black Belt shouldn't be a long drug out process. A working knowledge of the 12 kata and the exercises is pretty much all one needs for Black belt. People waste alot of time with the Kyu ranks instead of keeping them on track. Once one is done with that, then they can start labbing the kata and start understanding how to break down what they know. You can't spell words with out knowing the leters.
3. Fix the Kata. Don't change it, just fix it. As I was explaining this to one of my students she said 'kind of like giving it a blood transfusion' Make the kata alive. There is the concept of dead hand in kata, but make the hands alive. Even with the bear basic forms of Kata, they can still have life to them. Its not about having 40 different Kata but about having one kata work right, that the motion from that one that works will translate over to any kata you practise.
4. Isshin: Meaning that all kata are the same. Looking at the 'different techniques' in kata, and how they all relate to each other. That the single cover for one kata should be the exact same as the rest. The angling and possibly positioning is different but the basic idea is the same. Many Karateka think that all the Kata are different but people forget that they are driving the Kata, that isn't driving them.
5. Finding what works. Its interesting to see 'Bruce Lee' concept in a classical marital art. Throwing out techniques that are useless, don't work, and that ineffective. Testing out what you know, applying it, improving it. Thats directly related to the Kata and how it works into each technique you will ever do. I find this extremely interesting because of the deepth of technique that can be applomplished by just analysising correctly how that Kata should be seen.
We worked different weapons, and breaking down of different Kata, relating it to eachother and how everything works together. Overall it was encouraging, as a student and an instructor. I am very young, and I will never claim I know a whole lot. Wisdom comes with age, and I am certainly not there yet. However I feel somewhat put on that path by this. Just thought I'd share that.
X-posted on martial_arts |
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| Dear Jon |
[Apr. 17th, 2007|02:16 pm] |
This is your body. Okay..I understand the rum over break. That made sense. And breaking lent was a good idea. I was dying for that. But now the craving for junk and alcohol are high. Please refrain from both until I get well adjusted so neither will fuck me up to much,
Your friend
Jon's Body
P.S: you have two days till you see Kaicho. You don't want to be some out of shape mess, right? |
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| Today...I saw an angel.. |
[Apr. 14th, 2007|11:59 pm] |
...where I float...
I found my self falling...
..still
with no worries or cares
no threats
no hope
overcome..
..greif gone
..staring sincerely..
...into that dark past..
..brightly from behind..
light pierced my mind..
solace engulfed worn wounds..
emptied of dispear..
disfussed in my decadence..
..there she was..
..to my disillusion...
...I was alone |
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| Where time goes by.... |
[Feb. 4th, 2007|03:13 am] |
It has been awhile since I have written, so why not. Facebook and Myspace aren't giving me much and I figure no one I have stayed in touch with looks at this anymore, as oh well.
I believe I realized something tonight...stepping outside my normal setting..I may not be in the right place. Perhaps I assumed to much in what I have been doing.
Eastern journey may not be as worth it as I had once thought. Eastern's life, its campus, its community...I have a bit of a disillusionment about it. Maybe it is because me getting there was so far from tedious that it didn't seem that 'big of a deal'....as much as I thought it would be..
I hung out with a chick...who I very least thought I would be hanging out with..I don't really understand. Why on earth did I go out...why on earth are things happening the way they are. Is this what god wants of me?
I want to be led....I also want to lead...I don't feel like being pushed aside to make someones own feelings about themselves be better...I pray... |
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| from polar bear swimming to ronnin training |
[Jan. 11th, 2007|12:08 am] |
It sure has been a while since I have been on here.
Firstly, Happy New Year who all those out in LJ land who are reading this. I have been mildly distracted the last few days to a a few weeks. This is how things have broken down.
Christmas: Awkward at Dad's house. That will be the beginning and end of that. Went to see Rocky with my Sister ...and then we kind of sat in her car with a slight ....and strange feeling of disillusionment about my family.
Helped Todd move, kind of out of the blue the next day, which was good. I visited a few people and came to an odd realization: home is not home anymore. Its partially because of changes I have gone through and changes this place is going through. Soon enough...I will not be calling this place home anymore. I am scared in someways, relieving in others.
I spent New years with my extended family down the shore, with my 97 year old grandmother who my uncle ensured that she had a good time at the restuarant we went out to. Then on New Years day me and my cousin, under a bet from my uncle, jumped in the water. I made 100 bucks from doing that.
I came home and finalized somethings with Eastern...although it was a long strung out process I was really getting frustrated with...so what did I do? Went to go train with the Ronnin.
He is a tough old bushi who took me in for four days. Long time, seasoned veteran of the arts. I heard alot of old stories and learned ALOT. It was tough when we actually went to train, because he hits and hits hard. But it was through that I learned how I need to teach. I learned the old way of karate, how it needs to be taught. I liked his style of teaching, kept hammering the same point, which although seemed exceeding helped me remember what he taught me. Truly an example of following Dojo Kun and stewardship as a man of faith.
I came home and finalized things and solidified my position at Eastern University. Chose classes, got my schedule....but I feel I am still struggling...my relationship with others is askewed becaue of my relationship with God. ...I have done things for the wrong reaons. I have wanted the right things, but with wrong intention.......I pray for help and guidance ...... and I believe thats all I can do..for now. |
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